Symbolism in the Hands of a Master

Symbolism in the Hands of a Master
A Critical Analysis of
Earnest Hemmingway’s Short Story
Hills Like White Elephants
( read the story )

by Thomas Jay Rush

The story Hills Like White Elephants is an amazing piece of writing.  Starting with a short descriptive paragraph and ending with a five sentence concluding paragraph, the bulk of the story is told through dialog between the two main characters, a pair of lovers vacationing in Spain.  The action takes place at a train station in a small river valley between Barcelona and Madrid.

The story is carried by the words of the two main characters; a man (called the American) and a women (called the girl).  They are talking and having drinks while waiting for a train.  Their conversation, when not about what they’re drinking, is about the girl’s pregnancy.

It is possible to understand this story through the dialog alone, however I think the piece shines when one considers the underlying symbolism.  The symbolism carries the story in a much more forceful way than the actual word-by-word sentences.

The two protagonists, and I think there are two – they form a couple and we care about them equally – are ‘discussing’ her pregnancy.  The man supports the idea of having an abortion saying things like ‘It’s really an awfully simple operation’ and calling the operation a way to ‘let the air in’.  The women is conflicted.  When the man first mentions the operation she looks to the ground.  She is agitated in their conversation.  The story never actually says how the issue is resolved, but I believe that through a careful study of the symbols employed the reader may come to understand exactly what happened.  I explain my interpretation of the author’s use of symbolism in the remainder of this essay.

There are many symbols employed in this story; among them are the hills, a perceived white elephant, the river valley, a beaded curtain, the train, a smile, some baggage and, finally, the train station.  Each of these symbols serves to expose aspects of the story not directly stated.

I believe the hills represent the pregnancy of the young woman.     Consider the shape of a hill; it reflects the shape of a pregnant woman’s stomach.  Note also that the author chose not to call them mountains which might be more accurate given the locale.

In popular culture a white elephant frequently represents an unwanted gift,  something difficult to get rid of.  A white elephant is something one would not wish to have.  It is important, I think, that the girl is the first one to mention the elephant.
 
I find it interesting that these first two symbols, the hills and the white elephant, are made so obvious by being used in the title of the piece.  I wondered as I read the story why the author chose to do this.  I take a stab at explaining this below.

The river valley represents a separation or chasm between the two characters.  One side of the valley is described as being dry and barren.  The other side of the valley has grain fields and a tree lined river, the River Ebro, one of the largest rivers in Spain.  Near the end of the story the couple sits at a table, looking out onto the scenery.  The woman, initially not in support of the idea of an abortion, looks out on the dry side of the valley.  The man, who supports the idea, looks out onto the more pleasant side of the valley.  I believe the valley represents the two possible outcomes of their conversation; the two sides of the issue.

The river is an interesting, if minor, symbol.  In antiquity the River Ebro served as a boundary between the northern, Roman occupied, areas of Spain and the southern, Carthaginian occupied areas.  It would be interesting to analyze what these two societies thought about the issue of unwanted, out of wedlock childbirth.

The idea of a border or boundary is reinforced by the fourth symbol used in the story, the beaded curtain, however I think it may more literally represent the actual act of abortion.  At one point the women reaches out and puts her hands on the hanging strings of beads – this just a few seconds after she first considers the possibility of going forward with the abortion.  She holds the string of beads in her hand as if she is considering them; and by implication as if she’s considering the idea of going forward with the abortion.  More deeply, the abortion itself may be interpreted as a boundary (as can the baby if they where to decide to go forward with the birth), dividing the couple’s life into a before and an after.

I find another symbol in the train.  I believe it symbolizes the baby.  The waitress, at one point, says ‘The train comes in five minutes’.  When the train comes, the couple must get on, there will be no going back.  Their lives will be changed forever.

After the waitress says the comment about the train the girl ‘smiled brightly…to thank her’.  I think this smile represents a resignation.  The girl has come to conclude that she cannot get on the train – or, put another way, she will get on the train but to a destination different than the one she may have hoped for.

Throughout the conversation the girl has been looking to the American to make the decision for her.  She says things like ‘And you really want to?’ or ‘If I do it you’ll be happy….’.  She’s trying to elicit the decision from him.  She wants him to tell her what to do, but he never does.  I think she does this to try to alleviate her own guilt.  I think she‘s known, since before the beginning of the story, that she must go through with the abortion – she is the one that first mentions the white elephant after all.   I think her smile, at this point in the story, is a smile of resignation, the point where she resigns herself to moving forward.
 
The final two symbols I find, the baggage and the train station, confirm my conclusions. 

Near the end of the story the couple sits staring at each other across a table.  The man notices their baggage, over the girl’s shoulder, sitting next to the wall.  Immediately after the girl’s smile of resignation he gets up from the table and moves their baggage to the other side of the station.  Like the river valley or the table, the train station, a place of departure, a place where people make irrevocable decisions about the future of their lives,  represents the decision that the couple must make.  The baggage represents the actual decision.  When the man moves the baggage the author is saying that the woman’s decision has been made.  The American moves the baggage to his side of the station.
 
There are many other minor symbols.  The table, where they sit across from each other, again, represents the pending decision.  The felt pads, used to protect the table from water damage, may represent the small talk about the drinks, which shields them from having to talk about the real issue.  The fact that they are outside of the bar may represent the fact that they are foreigners.  These minor symbols add depth to the story and support general themes.

As the story concludes a longer descriptive paragraph appears where the author reinforces the ideas I’ve identified.  In this paragraph the author says the man picks up the bags (the decision) and moves them to the other side of the station (the side that he had been sitting on – the side from which one can see a more beautiful view).  The author says the man looks down the tracks and cannot see the train coming (that is, he cannot see the baby coming).  The man goes into the bar where he looks at the people who are ‘reasonably waiting for the train’.  Why did the author use the word ‘reasonably’?  The word ‘reasonably’ in this sentence makes no sense, unless perhaps the author is saying that he thinks its reasonable to wait to have a baby – that an abortion is not an unreasonable thing for them to do.  Finally the man comes back to the table where he finds the girl and she smiles (another sign of resignation) and says ‘There’s nothing wrong with me. I feel fine.’

Obviously Hemmingway is a master, but I wondered why he used the two early symbols – the hills and the white elephant – so prominently and so obviously; going so far as to use them for the title.  I think the reason for this has everything to do with his mastery.

I can imagine that Hemmingway built this story, from the bottom up, starting with the symbols.  I imagine him saying to himself ‘I am going to write a story that consists entirely of dialog  – no description – but the dialog will not carry the story.  The story will be carried by the symbols I interpose.’

So he set out to write his story; given a situation – a couple trying to come to terms with an unwanted pregnancy – and a long list of symbols; the train, the station, the valley, a smile; given these tools I imagine him building his story out from there.
 
I think Hemmingway used the two symbols (the hills and the white elephant) in the title and made them so obvious as a further display of his mastery.  It’s as if he had such a wealth of symbolism that he could afford to waste some.  He made these two symbols so obvious to divert our attention from the deeper symbols in the story. 

A first level analysis may conclude that the story is about an unwanted pregnancy, however a deeper analysis concludes that its about a couple making a decision.  About how hard decisions are.  About how two people, if they’re in love, can come together and, through effort, continue their journey together, even if they are sometimes stuck in dry, unpleasant places.

Watch the Glue

Brooke, my brother and the general contractor for a huge renovation I made to my house in 2006, and I were reviewing the design of a bookcase in the basement of my house.  Jerry, one of Brooke’s workers, had already spread some glue on a peice of plywood on the floor where the bookcase was going to be built.  Brooke and I were both, in turn, waving our arms and saying things like “No – it should go here”, or “Yes – that is what I mean”.

The entire time we were there one of us would move towards the glue on the floor and the other one would put his arm up, pulling the first back away from the glue, saying “Watch the glue”.

Our conversation when something like this: “I think the bookcase should be wider”, “Watch out!”, “I saw the glue – stop”, “No, I think it should be taller”, “Watch the glue”, “I saw it.”.

After about three or four such exchanges we realized what we were doing and started laughing.  I said that Jerry, who was standing off to the side and watching us, shaking his head, would probably walk over and show us what he thought about the bookcase and step right in the glue.

It was pretty funny.  We finally agreed on a design for the bookcase and Jerry bent his head to the task again and finished contact cementing the plywood.  Contact cement must ‘set-up’ for ten minutes before you can use it.

After about 9 minutes Don Rush, the painter, came down into the basement.  I innocently asked him what he thought about the bookcase…..

The Birth of Emily

October 5, 1996

…..for many weeks before the birth

Jay fears that Meriam will yell at him and call him an asshole during the delivery….like in the movies.

2:20 PM – Thursday Oct 3, 1996

Meriam tells a co-worker that she thinks she is going to have the baby soon.

3:10 PM

Meriam has her regularly scheduled doctor’s visit to check on the status of her pregnancy.  Her due date is still twelve days away; Oct. 15th.  The doctor performs an internal and informs Meriam that the baby may be breach.  The doctor wants Meriam to make sure she informs the attending physician if she goes into labor so that they can do an ultrasound to find out if the baby is indeed breach.  If the baby is breach the delivery may have to be done cesarean.

Meriam tells Jay the news.  Jay is concerned but ignorant.

…that night

Jay goes out with his friend Tim Murphy to dinner.  Meriam watches Must-See-TV.

2:50 AM – Friday Oct 4, 1996

Contraction numero-uno!  A mild contraction lasting about 20-30 seconds.  Meriam wakes up.  Goes back to sleep.

3:10 AM

Contraction numero-dos!  Another mild contraction.  Meriam wakes up.  Is this it?

3:45 AM

The third contraction this hour.  Meriam wakes Jay.  Jay is concerned but ignorant.  This is the beginning of a 23 hour ordeal.  From now until the baby is delivered Meriam does not miss a contraction.  In the next hour or so the contractions go from 3 an hour to 12 an hour (or one every five minutes).  The contractions start becoming more pronounced.  Jay groggily asks what date it is.  Is today the fourth?  Was yesterday the fourth?  Oh my God. Please let today be the fourth.

5:30 AM

Contractions have been coming at regular five minute intervals for about an hour.  Jay feels that we should call the Doctor just to be safe.  Wants to err on the side of conservatism because of the potential for breach birth.  We call the Doctor.

5:40 AM

Doctor calls back, asks a bunch of questions.  We tell him that we think the baby is breach and ask if we can come into the hospital to get the ultrasound.  He says we should come in.

6:00 AM

We arrive at the hospital and are asked to wait in the pre-admittance room.  We wait about five minutes and a nurse comes in and straps Meriam to a fetal monitor.   The monitor shows that the baby’s heart beat is strong and steady at about 170 beats per minute.  The sound of the heart is something that we will become very accustomed to.  Its a good sound. 

We wait about ten more minutes and Doctor Bruce Laminica comes in.  He is the doctor on call.  He does the ultrasound and discovers that the baby’s head is in exactly the right position – down.  Jay looks over the doctor’s shoulder and see what he thinks is a penis (later to be proven wrong – the nurse thinks it was probably the umbilical cord).  Jay thinks he’s having a son.  He doesn’t tell Meriam so as not to ruin the surprise.   The doctor does an internal and pronounces Meriam 1.5 cm dilated (the ultimate goal is 10 cm).  He tells us not to worry about the breach birth but that we should go home and call back when the contractions become much stronger and more frequent.  Meriam and Jay are both disappointed, at least Jay is.  He had been thinking on the way up to the hospital “This ain’t so bad”.  Little did he realize that Meriam was only just beginning.

 6:30 AM

 They arrive back home from the hospital.  Meriam walks the newly painted and wallpapered hallways for the next seven and half hours.

 8:30 AM

 Jay calls Richard, letting him know that Meriam has probably gone into labor.  Richard tells Jay to take the day off.

10:30 AM

Jay calls his mom letting her know what’s happening.  He tells his mom that he wants more than anything for the baby (Jay thinks baby boy) to be born today.  It would be a living memorial to his brother Jimmy who was killed in a car accident ten years and four days ago.  The fourth of October is Jimmy’s birthday.  His mother cried.  The baby boy’s name would have been Alexander James.  Jay thought it would be fitting.

2:00 PM

Meriam has been contracting (and watching TV – Regis and Cathy Lee) for six or seven hours.  She can’t lay down.  The one time she tried she threw up on Jay’s pillow and Jay’s side of the bed.  Jay cleaned it up without even complaining.  The most poignant demonstration of his love in seven years since he didn’t get upset with her when she got his car stolen.  Meriam calls the doctor hoping he will tell her to come to the hospital.  The nurse asks if Meriam can walk while she’s having a contraction.  Meriam says yes.  Nurse says “Your probably not ready yet, but you can come in if you want”.  We go to the hospital.

2:30 PM

After waiting in the pre-admittance room again with the heart monitor on (still pumping!)  Doctor Zamora comes in.  Doctor Zamora is rough-edged.  Probably about 45 years old.  He has a joking manner but his jokes are harsh.  If you ask a stupid question he gives a smart-aleck answer.  I felt (and I think Meriam agreed) that he was hard to take at first, but over the next twelve hours we found him to be a nice caring person.  He was very supportive to Meriam in the moment of truth when the baby was coming out.  Ultimatly,  that was all that mattered. 

Doctor Zamora did his first of many internals that day.  He pronounces Meriam 1.5 cm dilated.  Dissapointment! At least that’s what Jay felt.  He had been thinking on the way up to the hospital “This ain’t so bad”.  We packed our bags and took the ten minute trip back home for the second time this glorious day.  The doctor told us to come back around 5:30 PM.

6:00 PM

Meriam has been contracting all day.  She is about at the end of her rope.  We decide to go back to the hospital.  Jay has to finish putting together the bassinet before they leave.

6:30 PM

3 cm.  The doctor tells us to either go back home or walk the halls of the Danbury hospital for an hour and then come back.  We decide to walk the halls, having walked the halls at home enough for one day.  We find a quiet unused area of the hospital with a small waiting room with a TV.   Jay watches baseball as Meriam paces, contracts and lets the baby drop down into place.  Emily waits patiently, her heart beating strongly.

7:30 – 8:30 PM

We return to the labour and delivery area of the hospital.  We are escorted into a large birthing room.  Meriam is put into bed.  Her contractions have become very strong.  They are about three to four minutes apart lasting almost a minute.  Our nurse’s name is Mary Ellen.  She is very kind.  Probably about thirty years old.  She helps Meriam into bed and gets an IV started.  She says that the IV has to be administered before they can give Meriam any pain medicine.  Doctor Zamora (or as I have started calling him Doctor Internal) comes in and announces 4 cm and the baby is at a -2 station.  This means that the baby’s head has not moved all the way down into it’s proper position.  The doctor expresses a little bit of concern for the position of the baby, saying that about 20% of baby’s who are in a similar position need to be taken cesarean. 

The doctor says that he will administer an epidoral when Meriam is 5 cm dilated.  The nurse says that by the time the IV is completed Meriam should be ready.  Jay tries to help Meriam through her contractions as best he can (which involves repeatedly saying “It will be OK.  It’s almost over” and holding her arm).  Meriam is screaming.  Meriam is pleading for it to end.  The nurse is very kind. 

Emily is expressing herself wonderfully with the help of the fetal monitor.  Her heartbeat is staying pretty steady through the contractions which the nurse tells us is a sign that she has not really moved into the birth canal yet.  But everything is going fine.

9:00 PM

Meriam is at the absolute peak of her pain.  Doctor Internal announce 6 cm.  It’s time to administer the pain medication.  Meriam audibly smiles.  The doctor has Meriam role over on her side and sticks a catheter into her spine.  He then runs a tube up over her shoulder.  At the end of this tube is a place for him to insert the medicine.  Meriam’s contractions are frequent, long and powerful.  She is very tired.  Crying for relief.  The doctor administers the epidoral and within minutes Meriam has stopped feeling the contraction except for a slight pressure.  She is very pleased. 

I am concerned that the epidoral will slow the labor and that we will miss 12:00.  Meriam’s pain disappears.  Looking at the monitor it appears that the strength and frequency of the contractions have subsided, but the nurse says otherwise.  Meriam is able to rest a little bit.  She does not like the feeling that the epidoral is giving her as far as her legs are concerned.  She can’t feel her legs.  She has a slight fear that she won’t be able to move them again, but at least the pain is gone.  Meriam lays quietly for the first time in 17 hours.  Jay read a book.

10:15 PM

Meriam asks for and receives another dose of medicine.  7 cm. 

11:00 PM

Mary Ellen (the nurse) ends her shift.  She is replaced with another nurse called Marie.

11:30 PM

Meriam asks for and receives another dose of medicine. 8 cm on one side, 7 on the other?  Is that what I heard the doctor say?  It didn’t make much sense to me but then I’ve never really looked all that closely. 

I can tell that Emily is going to be cute just from her heart beat.  It’s got a cute rhythm. 

Marie, the new nurse, is just as kind and helpful as the previous nurse.  She tells us that once we start pushing we might be pushing for two or three hours.

12:00 PM  – Saturday Oct 5, 1996

Chance for a memorial passes.  Not a problem.  Wish it could have happened but doesn’t matter.

12:55 PM

Doctor Internal announces that Meriam is at 10 cm.  It’s time to push.  Meriam asks for and is denied another dose of medicine.  She is starting to feel the contractions again.  Jay is beside Meriam’s bed, holding her arm and the back of her neck.  The nurse instructs Meriam to pull her legs apart at the knees to open her vagina as wide as possible and push down into her rectum. 

The doctor comes in for the first few pushes and instructs Meriam on how to do it correctly.  Meriam pushes.  It smells funny. The nurse says “Push, push, push, push, push, push, push.”  The first five or six pushes (about three or four minutes apart) are probably not all that effective.  Meriam has to learn how to push.  She is a quick study.

1:15 PM

Meriam is really getting the hang of pushing.  She says it is very painful but it’s infinitely better than a contraction without pushing.  I can see that something is happening because the baby’s heart beat goes down almost to nothing when Meriam is pushing.  I can also start to see that the area just above Meriam’s pubic hair is starting to rise up.  Before this time this area was flat.  Her stomach was puffed out about fifteen inches in front of her but this area was flat.  I could see that something was changing.

In the only incident of Meriam expressing anger at Jay she says “Do you mind you asshole!  I’m busting my butt and your falling asleep.”  This after Jay yawns in her face during a particularly strong contraction.  

1:50 PM

The nurse says that Meriam is doing very well.  She is now at about a +2 station which means the baby has moved very well down the birth canal.  I can see that the area above Meriam’s public hair is starting to rise up.  Meriam is really pushing hard.  She is getting four and sometimes five pushes for each contraction.  The nurse says this is really great.  The nurse shows me the top of Emily’s head.  I cried.

2:35 PM

Doctor Zamora says “I think we can have this baby out in two or three more pushes”.  A couple of other nurses and Doctor Zamora’s assistant come into the room.  A large machine is rolled out of a closet.  Doctor Zamora starts to put on his surgical scrubs and surgical gloves.  He doesn’t quite finish.

2:38 PM

Meriam is getting a contraction.  The baby’s heart stops.  The top of the baby’s head starts coming out.  The nurse is trying to help the doctor get his gown and gloves on.  The top of the baby’s head is sticking out of Meriam by two or three inches.  It’s the size and shape of a child’s toy football.  It’s all red and blue.

The doctor pulls on the baby’s head and then says “The head is born”.  I’m blubber “Oh my God”.  Meriam is screaming “Get it out! Get it out!”.   The doctor twists the baby’s head to see it’s face and uses a syringe to clean out it’s nose and mouth.  This baby is not breathing.  Its quiet except for Meriam screaming, but there doesn’t seem to be any life in the baby.  The doctor reaches in and pushes the baby’s shoulders together.

2:42 PM

Plop!  Out pops the whole baby.  Her skin is an ugly worm-like white.  They clamp off the cord.  The assistant hands me a scissors to cut the cord.  It takes a few second to register and then I say “No. No.”.  The assistant cuts the cord.  Meriam is crying.  The baby is starting to change color to red.  Nurse says “It’s a girl”.  I thought it was a boy.  More than OK.  I wanted a girl anyway.

The rest of that night….

A lot of sewing and blood and afterbirth and measurements and baths and diapers and very little sleep.  We are moved over into our room about 5:30 AM.  Meriam is doing fine.  The baby is doing fine.  The cot I get to sleep on is not.

The next two days….

The following people came to visit (in order of appearance): Richard, Laura, Jack, Sarah, Mary, Karl, Peter, Megan, Iraj (Bubba), Lucik, Grammy and Grandpa.  Meriam is doing very good.  Not feeling a lot of pain.  Tired.  Thinner.  Baby is doing very well.  Everything is checking out fine.

Every single person who has seen her says “She’s very cute”.  Meriam and I determine that even discounting for the fact that we are her parents it’s true.  One nurse sees her and does not remark on her cuteness.  Jay attributes this failure to some personal family problem in the nurse’s life.  Hospital food is really bad.  We order out pizza.  Baby doesn’t like pizza.  Eats colostrum instead.  Seems satisfied.  Jay prays that she stays that way forever.

Dream – March 1991

It’s embarrassing to say.
Sounds like I’m boasting.
Like I‘m sensitive.
Like I’m a conduit.
In touch with a higher plane.
But my dream is nothing to boast about.

He keeps his distance.
When I approach he retreats.
Shyly diverts his face.
Doing whatever it is he’s doing.

I get diverted.
Never get close enough to touch him.
Never get close enough to see his eyes.

I dream about him but that’s embarrassing to say.

My Brother’s Death

His death occurred at 1:37am. Saturday morning. September 27, 1986. He was seven days short of his twenty fourth birthday.

The last time I had seen my brother was around 7:30pm the night before when we discussed our plans for the weekend. Jimmy said he was going out with some friends. I planned to go down to Brooke’s house to visit with he and his wife. The next morning we were all going to help my other brother, Lee, with parking cars at the annual Quakertown airport hot air balloon festival. We were supposed to be at Lee’s at 6:30am, Saturday.

I told Jimmy not to stay out too late. He told me to shut up and mind my own business. We ate supper and Jimmy got ready to go out. I walked down to Brooke’s house and stayed there about two or three hours. It was probably around 10:30pm when I got home. Jimmy was not home yet. I got ready and went upstairs to bed, leaving the lamp on in the living room so Jimmy could see what he was doing when he got home. I didn’t go to sleep right away.

I laid awake reading a book called “Death of a Salesman”. I was awake longer than usual that night because I was getting very near the end of the book and I wanted to finish it. I thought it was an excellent book; very well written. I finished the book around 1:00am. As I shut off the light and rolled over to fall asleep I thought I heard a car door slam. I thought he was home. I remember thinking it was odd that I didn’t hear him climb the stairs, but I fell asleep.

The next morning my alarm sounded at 6:00am sharp. I did not want to get up. I felt kind of like shit but I got up anyway and got a shower. Something was strange. Jimmy’s bed hadn’t been slept in. I didn’t think it about it too much. I thought maybe he slept on the couch so I proceeded to get my shower. I got dressed and went downstairs to wake up Jimmy, but all I found downstairs was the lamp I had left burning the night before. Now I started to think this was a little strange.

Jimmy was not the type to shirk responsibility. If he had to be somewhere he was usually there. I was a little annoyed so I gave his friend Jim Tice a call to see what was going on. I didn’t really want to go park cards either, and I’d be damned if I was going to go if he wasn’t. There was no answer at Jim Tice’s. I cursed him and went up to Lee’s, figuring I’d try again from up there.

I got up to Lee’s around 6:30am. Lee asked me where Jimmy was and I said I didn’t know, but that I thought he was at Jim Tice’s. Lee was not terribly happy about this. I suppose he didn’t want to park cars either. We went into Lee’s house to get some coffee while we waited for some other people who were supposed to come. Around 6:45am we got a call from Feryl Myers, our friend who was going to help also. He was at my parent’s house where I has just left. Apparently Jimmy had arranged to have Feryl pick him up.

When Feryl arrived at our house there was a cop car in our lane. It seems the cops had been trying to get a hold of someone in our house since 2:30am. They said they had called about ten times. They even sent out a car to see if anyone was at home. I hadn’t heard them. Apparently, I’m a very heavy sleeper. Now things were starting to get really weird.

I had woken up, gotten a shower and gotten out of the house in between calls from the police. Feryl told Lee over the phone that he didn’t know what it was all about but that we were supposed to call the Doylestown Hospital about Jimmy. He had been in an accident. Lee told me to go pick up Feryl at my parents house and bring him back to Perkasie, even though Feryl had a car, and it was totally out of the way. I did this as Lee called the hospital.

When Feryl and I returned to Lee’s we found that another friend, Mary Keller, had arrived. I guess there were a lot of cars to park. Lee invited everyone he knew. Lee had called the hospital. They hadn’t told him anything, only that he should come there as soon as possible. We called Brooke and Robin and told them to meet us at the hospital.

Feryl and I went in my car, while Lee, Kathy and Mary went in Lee’s. I remember thinking on the way down what a pain in the ass this was. My parents were on vacation in Louisiana, and weren’t expected home for at least another week. I kept thinking that I would have to visit Jimmy in the hospital. I hate hospitals.

We arrived at the hospital between 7:10am and 7:15am. We searched around for where we were supposed to go until we found the emergency room entrance. There was a little room just off of the emergency room into which we were led. There was a policeman around age 50 sitting behind a desk. Brooke and Robin were already in the room. They were holding each other. They did not look happy. I don’t remember what happened next.

I remember thinking to myself that everybody had someone else to hug. Lee had Kathy. Brooke had Robin. I guess I could have had Feryl but I settled for Mary. She was a big help. She loves our family very much. We’ve known her since we were kids. She was one of my sister’s best friends and our moms were best friends when they were girls. We sat in that room forever while the policeman took down some crap information and tried to help us decide what to do next. Then we were taken into another room where a “crisis” councilor was. He was supposed to ease our pain. What an asshole! I guess I shouldn’t say that. He was only trying to do his job, and he really did sound concerned, but he was still a dick. We sat in that room for forever again and Mary said a prayer and hugged everybody. We didn’t know what to do.

We finally decided that Brooke, Robin and Lee’s wife Kathy should go to Becky and Neal’s because we didn’t think we should tell them such bad news over the phone. I don’t know what went on out there. Lee, Mary and I were going to go to Uncle Feryl’s house. I don’t remember why. I forget what happened to Feryl Myers.

We went to my Uncle Feryl’s. I stayed in the car, Lee and Mary went inside. In a few moments, I heard the strangest sound I ever heard in my life. Uncle Feryl was wailing. Wailing; that’s the only word for it. It sounded like a out loud laugh. I thought I was losing it. I stayed out in the car for a while until Lee came out and said that he and Uncle Feryl were going to my Aunt Dolly’s to see if they could get a hold of my parents. I was supposed to stay at Uncle Feryl’s until they got back. I was really not into that so I walked home. It’s only about a mile. When I got home I was soooooo lonely and sad that I didn’t know what to do.

I went up in my bedroom and I CRANKED some John Prine music. John Prine’s songs are some of the few songs that I can play along with on my guitar. I must have had been playing it at about 9000 decibels. I played the same songs six times. When I got tired of this I gave my old girlfriend a call. I hadn’t seen her in about two months, but I didn’t know what else to do. She got there about a half an hour later. I guess Lee and Mary had gotten home by then. I cant remember. Kim, my old girlfriend, wasn’t much help. I think she cried more than I did. After a short time, people started coming. I couldn’t ever begin to list them all. I just know that for the next three days there were at least ten people in our house at all times. It was nuts. It was kind of fun; not a whole lot of fun, but kind of.

I forget whose idea it was, but about six of us piled into my cousin’s van to go pick up my mother and father at the airport. That sucked. We drove all the way to the airport, about an hour and a half drive, and those fucking people in that van did not shut up for one second. They talked about everything single subject under the sun. I was going crazy. I just wanted them to shut up. I couldn’t stand it. I just laid in the back seat trying to fall asleep, but I couldn’t. When we got to the airport we were early, so I had to sit and listen to people talking some more. I couldn’t wait till that plane got there. When it did my mom and dad were the last one’s off the plane.

I saw lots of people meeting their loved ones that they hadn’t seen in years. Hugging and kissing each other while I waited to see the faces of my parents. This is another part I don’t remember too well, but I remember that my father was not talkative (I liked that) and my mother was very upset. My father didn’t talk for about two weeks. My mother was amazing, very upset but also very strong.

We got back in the van and drove home. Again the people in the van wouldn’t shut up. We got home and the rest of the day, still Saturday, is sort of a blur. I went up to my room and CRANKED some more music. A little less than 9000 decibels this time; we had company after all. But that helped.

I remember that Brooke came up to ask me to come downstairs and be with him. He said he needed me. I told him that I didn’t have anything to give him. He walked away angry or hurt or disappointed or something. The hours passed. There was a lot of food. I wasn’t into it. I guess I must have gone to bed.

That whole day it was cloudy, it looked like it wanted to rain. The next morning when I woke up it was a beautiful day. The first thing I heard was a bird singing. The whole day there was a million people at my house. It was decided that my cousin David would fly down to Louisiana to pick up my parents car. He wouldn’t even let my dad pay for his plane ticket. He’s great. He told me he loved that day. Him telling me that probably meant as much to me as anything anyone has ever said to me.

It’s kind of funny the way people react in a situation like a death of someone close. They all want to do anything they can to help. It seemed to me that the ones who were the most afraid of death themselves, are the ones who are the most eager to help. I think that by helping they think that it won’t hurt as much. One thing I learned is that it hurts no matter what you do. Another thing I learned is that there are a lot of people in this world that really love me and my family. I learned how important those people are to me. I still take them for granted, but at least I know that they are important.

Later that second day, Sunday, I wrote the poem , or whatever it is, on the following page. My brother Lee, against my request, read it at his funeral.

Yesterday was Jimmy’s day.
The world knew this.
It cried all day.
It knew that something was terribly wrong.
The sun didn’t even show it’s face.

But this morning when i awoke in knew today was our day.
The first thing i heard was a bird singing.
It was a beautiful song, a song filled with hope.
And it woke up the singer in me that was sleeping
for a very long time.

Today the sun still won’t show it’s face.
The clouds still cover the sky.
Tomorrow the sun will shine; and i’ll be glad it does.
but some days the clouds will return.
I don’t know if they will be stormy or calm
but then i never knew what Jimmy was going to be either.
The clouds are Jimmy’s. They always will be.

But the birds are ours, the birds are for the living
and the living have to start singing again.
It’s just that now our song has to be better.
It has to be sung louder and with more feeling, because
one of our best singers isn’t here to help us anymore.

Blooming Glen, PA — Sometime in late 1986 or early 1987